I am confused. I don’t know my sexuality.

For years I thought I was just attracted to men. All my relationships with men were the same… At first, I would tell the guy that I liked him, even if I just wanted to be friends with him. The guy would always tell me that he had liked me for a while, but didn’t say anything because he didn’t know how to tell me.

I would tell them that I just want to go out as friends and then maybe date them when I got to know them a bit better. This never happened though. They would ask me out and I would go out with them, have fun and at the end of our ‘date’ he would tell me that he had a great time and kiss me. See the thing is, I didn’t like them as much as they liked me, but because friends were curious about the date I would tell them how much I liked him because I didn’t want to tell them that I didn’t like the guy as much as he liked me.

My relationships with men always ended the same way… I would get sick of telling them how ‘great we were together’ and I would end the relationship by telling them that I just want to be friends with them.

It has never been my dream to get married on a beach in a white dress or wherever girls dream of getting married. I have never said anything to anyone about a girl being beautiful because I have always been scared that if I say something like that, I would be judged because I find women attractive.

Right now, I have a crush on someone and she is one of the most amazing people I know. She has a lovely personality and I think she is gorgeous. When I am around her it is impossible not to smile. Although I have a crush on her, I don’t want to date her because I don’t want to screw up the ‘relationship’ we have now.

Right now, I have a crush on someone and she is one of the most amazing people I know.

She knows I care about her and it scares me a bit to know that she knows because I have only told two people that I am confused about my sexuality. The first thing I did after realising my attraction to her was to turn to YouTube and Google. I saw that I am not the only person who hasn’t known since birth that I like people of the same sex. 

There is no magical list on the internet that can tell you what sex you are attracted to. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to label myself until I am sure of my sexuality. I’m just going to let life happen. I don’t want people to treat me differently if they find out that I don’t know my sexuality. At the moment I am happy knowing that I haven’t labelled myself yet.