I am struggling. Friends broke me down, they have said some hurtful things to me, like that I am not a nice person to be around until I drink with them. This statement hurt me because I know that I let myself down getting to this point.
I mean, am I really that bad? Do I really have to be drunk for people to like me? Why did them saying that to me make me want to drink more? I mean friends come and go; I could just get new friends. Why don’t they like me sober? Why don’t I like myself sober?
I realised recently that I attract people who are bad influences on me. Like I made friends with a girl a few weeks ago and she is a really lovely person... well I thought she was until she told me that she is a drug dealer and that she wants me to take drugs with her. Now I’ve made very stupid decisions in my life and I have accepted drugs in the past, but the drug she wanted me to take was one that would mess me up.
"As long as you feel pain, you're still alive. As long as you make mistakes, you're still human. And as long as you keep trying, there' still hope." – Susan Gale
I saw this quote and loved how fitting it was for my situation. I feel hurt, so I drink and I make many mistakes, but I am going to keep trying my best and I am going to try not drink and accept drugs from anyone. I am not going to drink to get people to like being around me and I definitely don’t want to need alcohol anymore.
I’m going to be myself and the right friends will love the real me. The right friends won’t want me to drink until I don’t know where I am. The right friends won’t let me drink so much that I don’t remember what I did while I was drunk. The right friends won’t offer me drugs. The right friends will be happy to be friends with me sober.
I think not drinking will be one of the hardest things for me to do, I mean I spend a lot of my money on alcohol, and I’m so used to drinking when I am upset or when I don’t want to think about situations I’m facing in my life. I need to just breathe when I have a bad day, because its only one bad day, and drinking my problems away will just make me do things I’ll regret.
I am definitely dependent on alcohol for my happiness at the moment and I know that I chose to go down this path, but I’m sure I will find healthy ways of dealing with shit in life.
If everything seems like an uphill struggle then just think about how great the view from the top will be.