“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” There was no excitement in my life, no glamour and no fun. There were no good times, there was no joy, and there was no happiness. I had no future and I had no escape. There was only obsession. An all-encompassing, fully enveloping, completely overwhelming obsession. Addiction is a monster that lived inside me. It fed off me. It took from me all that I loved. It controlled and destroyed me. Addiction tore me apart when all I was wanting to do was desperately make my life work and get life right. It felt as if it was ripping out my soul and then laughed at my weakness. I had created a stone wall that stood so tall to keep myself inside and the ones I loved, and needed, out.
It was in this cold, painful, lonely, powerless and unmanageable place that I learnt how to get life right. This place enabled me to make a commitment to myself and a conscious intention to do whatever it took to get my life on track again and to be happy.
My journey began with me realizing that I had been trying to control everything in life that was completely and utterly out of my control. When I couldn’t control what happened around me and the world just seemed far too big and overwhelming, I would unconsciously play the victim role and became a walking reflection of all the bad that had happened to me. I was living through a resentment, bitterness and self-pity framework.
I came to the unshakable belief that my life was determined by me; how I react to situations, my perspective, my mindset and choices were all up to me. I am not what happens to me, I am what I choose to become and so are YOU. You are exactly who you think you are, where your thoughts go to and who you say that you are. You are in complete control of who you are! Whatever good or bad comes our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value. This is our choice and I see more and more each day how life if beautifully simple and we as humans make it so very complex.
This journey of self-discovery and self-love has allowed me to become aware of all the opportunities that I was missing by focusing on what I’d left behind. I hardly ever look back at my past anymore, it has nothing to offer and it serves me absolutely nothing. The only thing that I take from my past is the lessons that I have learnt and I use these lessons to make me a better person in the now. I live one day at a time, the now is all I have and do not resist what the present moment contains. I do not regret my past, nor do I regret anything… my past has lead me to living a life way beyond my wildest dreams and a life that is so right! Don’t get me wrong, life is still challenging at times and difficult and painful things occur, but I have a choice in how I react in every situation. To me this is the most important truth to understand. When I realised this, I believe I experienced peace beyond the physical form. My thinking creates my world and my perception defines my life.
I started to get life right when I learnt how to trust myself. I never had trust in myself and I always expected myself to make a mess of anything I touched. In learning to love myself, I have learnt to trust who I am again and I have found power in who I am.
A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. For far too long I had been focusing on the branch and this branch was any external aspect of my life. I hadn’t for a moment considered my own power and role in my life. From a place of complete powerlessness, I have found power. I stopped worrying about the branch and started creating my own pair of indestructible wings. By cultivating my own set of wings … I cultivate trust within myself and I have power. The source power that you are is everything and connecting to your source power moment by moment is all that is important – this is what will direct your life and it can only be right. You are a perfect arrangement of cells and ultimate source energy that you can direct anywhere you wish – spread your wings, trust your wings and the power that you are.
To conclude I would like to leave you with a quote from Buddha that has changed my life and one that is very close to my heart every day, “you can search the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, is deserving your love and affection”