This time it hit me hard. I have never felt as paranoid in my life. I was terrified because I didn’t know where I was and what I was doing.
As I sat on my bed it hit me and I passed out, but I kept waking up every 2 or 3 minutes to check the time frightened and confused. It felt like I was shocked awake every time... my heart was racing. I have no idea why I was worried what time it was, but seconds felt like hours.
I didn’t like getting high, so I didn’t for a long time, I was feeling really hurt and I wanted to feel nothing because of how hurt I was, but I never thought what I smoked would make me feel what I felt.
I felt like giving up, I didn’t like feeling hurt and I didn’t like feeling nothing, I just remember wanting to give up. I am glad I passed out because I was not in a good place after I smoked. I realised that I made the biggest mistake when the high wore off. I realised how it made it easier for me to want to make mistakes that can’t be undone, and I realise how close I was to making mistakes.
Instead of getting high I should’ve spoken about it, I should’ve let it hurt. I should have found a better way of dealing with my hurt.
I am human, I make mistakes. I turn to outside things to fix something internal and I know that it won’t help, but I still continue to turn to them because I am afraid to face my problems.
I do know that what I did today was foolish, but I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it because it taught me something. I know for a fact that I liked not feeling anything, but there are consequences for my actions. If I carry on making these foolish mistakes I will never live the life I want to.
When life hits, many of us don’t know how to cope so we turn to the easier option which will not help us in the future.
Try these instead of choosing the easy way out:
These are some of the things I should’ve done earlier today, and instead of making the same mistake next time I feel hurt I will do one of those things because I know it will help me instead of making me feel worse. In the future, I am going to think about the consequences before I react.