For a while now this anger has built up in me. I’ve blamed it on so many things or people, but I realized that I am just angry with myself. I’m angry with decisions I’ve made. The silly ones, the on-the-go ones, the ones where I thought there is something better….
I have been chasing this dream that has never been realized. Is that because it’s not out there? Or could it be that I don’t allow it to happen to me?
I’ve made so many decisions I regret, I have done so many things I regret, I now find myself thinking about this over and over and I keep getting angrier and angrier with myself. How do I get rid of my anger? Where do I find the courage to forgive myself and move forward?
I think a lot of this has to do with me trying to find myself, understand who I am and who I would like to be.
I’ve started working on this. The more I spend time with my coach, the more I’m starting to uncover and get to grips with some of this. Do I have to be so angry with myself? Were those decisions so bad? Would it really have changed my life for the better, the worse or would I have just settled? I’ve lost so much of myself over the past couple of years, I don’t even know what I like anymore. I’ve forgotten how to have fun, and just be myself.
It’s now time to take charge. The past 2 and a bit years, I’ve lived not for myself, but for someone else. Making sure that he loves me, that he doesn’t get angry with me. Why would I do that? Where is the benefit for me in that? Like I said, its time to take charge, and tomorrow I get to do something I’ve never done before.
I’m going rock climbing with a complete stranger. I can’t explain how excited I am for this. I also started playing tennis. All these things I’ve never done before! It is giving me so much excitement. I always loved exercise and have tried and done so much. Boxing, CrossFit, running, cycling etc. etc. but I’ve always loved running. This has been taken away from me, it became a chore, I don’t have the passion for running anymore.
So now it’s time to find my new passion. Something that is mine and only mine. I don’t have to share it, I can just enjoy it and feel free and excited for it. I won’t allow myself to be this confused and angry little duck anymore. I want to be the old me, the one that speaks more than anyone, the one that makes jokes all the time and entertains her family. The one that her friends can always count on to have fun with and want to be around. I am going to be me again… one step at a time, but I will find myself and I will be better and stronger. I have the courage to let go… it’s time to not be so angry anymore.