I cannot live with myself any longer...
This has been the thought repeating itself in my mind for last 4 months or so. I have not understood how to make life work, no matter how hard I have tried. I have failed at every turn.
Now I am starting to see that even that mere thought is a very peculiar one. "Am I one person or am I two different people? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the 'I' and the 'self' that I cannot live with.' "Maybe, only one of them is real?"
Over the past few months, I have experienced some of the most difficult and heartbreaking moments of my life. These all started in July when I lost my dream job. This left me unemployed for the rest of the year. I then went through a break-up and lost the person that I love most in this world. Following this, a dear friend of mine passed away in a car accident and my Dad has been extremely ill and in hospital for weeks.
Through of all this, I lost myself completely. I lost myself because I drew all my sense of identity, value and self-worth from what I no longer had.
"How do I get my life back on track?" How do I make my life work for me again?" I felt empty, I felt as if I had no purpose, I felt lost and alone and I couldn't count on myself to get through the heartache. What I believe this boils down to is two small words: 'Self Esteem'. How I feel about myself has the biggest impact on how I treat myself. I let my self-esteem disappear in the things I loved most in this world and so I got to a place where I would use anything outside of myself in an attempt to fix how I was feeling and this would always end up being to the detriment of myself. I fell back into addiction and have a very big mountain to climb. There is a path up every mountain and there is a path to peace and I would like to share view pointers that I am following so I can make life work for me again. The key word there is work, it isn't easy but it is worth it!
* Wake up and make your bed every morning. Its simple but it sets the tone for the rest of your day.
* Be grateful! Some people didn't wake up but you did.
* Set goals for your day. Write them down or say them out loud and tick them off one by one.
* Be present... the NOW is all that we have!
* Don’t procrastinate, make every day count and get into a habit of doing what needs to be done. Don’t let your emotions control the outcome of your day.
* Learn to watch your thoughts. Get into a habit of watching the thoughts that come into your mind. Thinking became a deadly disease to me. The mind used correctly is a wonderful instrument but if you identify with every thought that comes your way and you let your mind use you, it becomes extremely destructive. If you believe that you are your mind, it has taken you over. Arise from beyond your mind and you will begin to awaken and feel peace.
* Don’t fight for people/jobs/friends that were okay with losing you. You are more than your job, more than your relationships, more than the amount of money you have, more than what people think.
* Write out your life script and live your life for your story every day!
* Control what you can and leave the rest. The only thing you can truly control is yourself and focus on that. Your life is in your hands! Take time to get to know yourself and once you know you, choose you every day.
* Don’t see and judge the present through the eyes of your past, you will get a totally incorrect view of the situation at hand. Don’t let your past dictate your life anymore.
* When you crawl into bed at night, forgive everyone that you need to. Forgive yourself for every time that you forgot your own worth.
* Feel. Feel what you need to feel, no matter how painful or unbearable... its impossible to see clearly when we aren't feeling fully.
* Open your eyes to the small things; they are everywhere if you look, and they beautiful.
I take you back to my opening thought, it is impossible to find peace and to make life work for you if you don’t step back and evaluate your life. For me, I can get so caught up in my thoughts and the emotions that drive my thoughts, that I lose all control.
Watch your thoughts and use your mind, but please don’t let it use you! There is peace within all of us but we often can’t feel it, because our mind is making too much noise. Make life work for you, look inside yourself, there is a treasure there that is infinitely greater than anything this world can throw at you.