I finally emerged from an attempted overdose, a night in hospital and a 4-month cocaine, meth and heroine spree and I realised where I was. The truth hit me so suddenly and with so much force… My back slid down the wall and I sat with my head in my hands as the tears started to fall down my cheeks. I sobbed and I have never been more terrified, sick and broken in my life!
On the 6th of November 2017, I was booked in a rehabilitation centre with a green bracelet on my arm and told that I was in the Dual Diagnosis Unit for a 21-day treatment. It had all caught up with me and the only question going through my head was “why me?”. How had this happened when it is all that I didn’t want to happen? How am I here? This isn’t where I need to be? Why me? Why am I this person? PLEASE, PLEASE God change this situation and what is happening in my life. Why does this have to happen to me and why am I still alive?
Through my 84 days clean from drugs I have come to realise many things but I would like to share two in particular with you. The first of these is that if I look back on my life, I have played victim to most of the things that I have experienced and this was made clear to me by how often my thoughts would return to the self-pitying question of “why me?” and the second of these two flows from the first… who was I asking when I was asking the question, “why me”?
When something happens that touches us deeply, we often ask, “why me?”. We are very quick to judge the event as good or bad. What if we were to eliminate the possibility that anything that happens to us is inherently bad and choose to believe that everything happens to us as Always good? Impossible, you say?
I promise you that I would not change a single thing that has happened to me in my life. Everything I have experienced in life has made me the person I am today and I no longer have a secret but I have a story that has made me have a better understanding of myself. It has forced me to choose to lead a better life and hopefully help others as I can only keep what I have by giving it away.
I thought that I had hit rock bottom in the drug world but I have I quickly learnt that rock bottom has a basement and in my complete brokenness, I cried out to God. I didn’t believe in anything greater than myself at the time but I knew that I was unable to fight my addiction on my own. I had tried for 10 years and failed each time. In crying out “why me?” I was unconsciously admitting that there was someone or something in control of my life. I now have a relationship with God and have handed my will (thoughts) and my life (actions) over to my God because I wouldn’t be clean today if I relied on my own willpower.
My recovery has humbled me in so many ways and I encourage you to ask yourself “why me?” when you have roof over your head while there are people with road pavements as their bed. It is very easy for me to ask, why am I an addict? Why can’t I live a life like others do? Why do I have to have the disease of addiction? Why did I sell my life, body and soul to drugs? Why did I hurt the people I love most dearly? But I know my God is in control and I am learning more about myself in recovery than I ever would if I weren’t a drug addict. I am learning to play the hand I was dealt as if I had chosen it… So… why not me??
True happiness depends on you and you only. Whenever you are faced with an overwhelming situation, remember, that whatever happens, you should be in control of your own mind and emotions, rather than yielding to the situation. Because the world is literally what you make of it, a reality, created by your own mind. Know that you are the master of your own mind, know that everything you face is just an illusion and that it can, and will change. Only then will you stop asking the question: WHY ME?