To my Darling

I write you this letter to say goodbye, I have nothing left within me to carry on with this relationship. We have been living this life together for a while now, many years… almost 10, but I have to say goodbye, I have to let you go! You have been my life, my comfort, my joy, my rock bottom and my oxygen and so this goodbye is going to be so very difficult for me. I feel as though one single goodbye will not suffice but rather that I am going to have to whisper goodbye to you over and over again, 100 times each day until I have ripped you from my life and soul for good.

There are many reasons as to why saying goodbye to you will be so difficult. These difficulties are the reasons why I have come running back to you in the past and the reason that I have never been able to break up with you for good. To end our relationship for once and all, I need to understand why it is so hard for me to let you go and to discover who I am without your power and control over every aspect of my life. My darling, you are all that I have come to know and you have such incredible control that the minute I try the control away from you, you hit me even harder with your lies, manipulation, and cunningness and power.

You take away all the feelings and emotions that I didn’t want to feel and that I couldn’t deal with. I believed wholeheartedly that you enabled me to cope and so it is extremely difficult to remove you from my heart. The most impossible part of saying goodbye flows from how in love I believed I was with the way you made me feel: you gave me confidence and a voice, you calmed me down when I needed and gave me energy when I needed. Mostly, you enabled me to focus and you quietened my sick mind.

In any relationship, the times were not always bad. We enjoyed many good times in the early days but I wished we never shared those times! I realise now that these times were before I crossed the line with you and before you took my hand and led me to being utterly dependent on you. I never imagined I would be addicted to you back then and I never imagines the darkness and desperation that I find myself in now. The good times do not come close to making any of this worth it!

I made you my life and I honestly believed that I was nothing without you. I believed you to be my life source but I let you only bring hell into my life. No good has come from you! Too many nights I can’t remember, far too many regrets, too many times that I let you make me into a person I am not. Too many tears, too much absolute self-hatred, too much self-harm and desperation. Too many close calls and last chances. My addiction to you had made me do too many acts that haunt me. You have made me so extremely sick that I would rather end my life… I could no longer live with you and I could no longer live without you!

I allowed you to play the lead role in my life and I surrendered everything that I was or that I had to you. You played the narrator and I was a puppet on your strings. It is my turn to take my life back, my turn to take the lead and I am taking control. For this to happen, I need you gone and please don’t look for me, you are done in my life, my story.

I have chosen you over every good thing in my life and I have put my relationship with you above all other relationships. I am done having you come first, putting you first has only caused damage, hurt and despair. My love for you has taken every single good, beauty and love away from me. I believed your powerful lies and manipulation and I returned to you to cope and to self-medicate. In doing this, you only made me insane and sicker than ever. You have taken every dream I had away and my affair with you has destroyed the only true love I have ever felt and believed in. I want nothing to fucking do with you!

The last reason that I have to let you go is one that only in hospital when you had no way of reaching me did I realise. Over the years, I have lost all sight of what you have done to my soul, my body and mind. Our relationship has lasted at the expense of my health; my physical health, my mental health, my emotional health and my spiritual health. I gave up any respect or care that a person can have for themselves. I allowed your chemicals to intoxicate my body and mind. Forcing myself to look in the mirror, the reflection is so scary… I lost any need to look after myself and all I was preoccupied with was our next date and the next time I could breathe again. You never gave me the oxygen and life that I was searching for though… you slowly and then very rapidly suffocated me!

I am taking MY life back, one day at a time, my recovery is my new love and the most important part of my life today and every day after that.

This is my final goodbye and I am not looking back no matter what!

No longer yours…