I was utterly involved, engaged and lost in whatever it was that I was doing. Whether it be having a conversation, listening to music, dancing, partying, cooking, writing or playing sport. When I would battle to enjoy any activity, get along with people or cope with life, then this feeling and utter engagement is amazing. Drugs lit up the part of my brain that made me feel this way. But this light only shone to try find colour in a world that became pitch dark and horrifying.
Life was hard, cruel and merciless and I viewed life as a punishment. As a result of my dark view on life, I resigned myself to fate believing all was finished. I believed that nothing I ever did was good enough, I lost all sense of direction and went as far as drug abuse and eventually attempted suicide to escape my colourless, meaningless existence. The notion that I could simply be happy because I was alive never occurred to me. At my core, I was loveless, bewildered, alone and crippled with self-consciousness.
In the grip of chemical obsession, things started to become extremely scary and dark with the futile attempts to stop. The consequences of drug abuse are obvious, but the realisation that I was not the one in control of my own existence eventually screamed so loudly that I had to find another way. I so desperately needed to change the way I looked at the world and the way I viewed myself. I needed light and that meant no more drugs.
Today I write from the most beautifully colourful place as I have discovered through creation, another way to light up my brain and show me the colours. It is my honour to share my colourful life with you.
This motivation came only in the dark depths of hopelessness and a frightening realisation that I had no idea how to live with or without drugs. Addiction wasn’t a by-product of drug abuse, it was a false satisfaction of a spiritual emptiness. There were never enough drugs, because I was never enough! There was no light because there was too much darkness. I was always sprinting after a fulfilment that was out of reach and I somehow fell into the belief that happiness was perpetually just over the horizon.
The first and most significant aspect to living a colourful life for me was to understand deeply that my response (not situation) created the colours. From this I am able to understand that every struggle, happy time and sad time… they all have colour. I have learnt and grown from every struggle and achievement I have experienced and continue to do so as long as I remain present.
My life is colourful because I live life to the fullest and I am mindful of every situation and the splendour it contains. I fiercely do not believe in “no-win” situations and in everything that happens to me, my view remains one of discovery and improvement. I strive to live as unconditionally as possible because conditions only bring limits to the happiness that is available to each and every one of us.
I have learnt to connect to my story because my story makes me unique. There is absolutely nothing else that makes me unique. My story is the only thing that I alone truly have to offer. Looking at my story from when I was born until now, the only part that was given to me was my birth and from there I have been building my story, whether I have been conscious of this or not. I want to tell you that colour is not given to you, you need to build it and have the perspective to see it. My life is sweet, colourful and kind, irrespective of the situation I find myself in.
I challenge you to not see any situation as dark and helpless! I am indescribably grateful for what was the darkest time of my life, because I see those times as a gateway to the greatest life I could have ever imagined. Being grateful brought out life’s true colours for me to see.
If addiction is a disease of more….. then I am enough. I am not plagued with self-hate and I know that I have a choice in everything that I think and do. My choice is the light that has the power to reveal the crazy beautiful life that I now live. I am not interested in darkness and anything that doesn’t feel good, what matters to me now is connection, love and living the most colourful life today and every day from here on. I take life to be very simple and you know what….my life is so good!
Life isn’t a bed of roses and it hands us many ups and downs but this doesn’t change the beauty that is there for anyone who chooses to see it. Our mind is the centre of everything, it controls your thoughts and beliefs! Make friends with your mind, choose awareness and see how your perception creates your reality, colourful or dull, it’s all your choice.
I no longer see darkness, I see colour everywhere and my dream is to share this with others and to impart my story to you. I have loved the process of my life, I am in love with the present moment and I love who I am becoming along the way.
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or to conduct a storm, but to add colour to my sunset.